Remember to Breathe.

I had a rough night.

My diet has been very, very strict, and eating anywhere outside of the house is really tricky.  So far, I've only really eaten at a place called Garbanzo - I get hummus and some pickles.  That was a splurge.

So, tonight, when my boyfriend was hungry, nothing worked for me.  We wound up at Chipotle.  It smelled so, so good in there and I was so, so hungry.  But, I couldn't do it.  Too much sodium, too many carbs (empty rice), too much fat.

So, I didn't order anything, and my boyfriend got a burrito to go.  He knew I didn't want to sit in there, in agony.

On the way home, I broke down.  I cried and he saw me, and I just let it all out.

This is HARD for me.

I'm used to seeing something delicious and then eating it.  Hello, fat girl.  I just can't do that anymore.  And, it's ridiculously hard not to eat what looks and smells good.  I have a much easier time eating well when I'm home, and I have raw broccoli and my smoothies.  I'm drinking a smoothie right now.

My boyfriend is concerned, because I'm exercising a lot.  And, he worries that I'm not eating enough.

Sad to say, I can see how easy it is to fall into an eating disorder.  I'm constantly making sure that I'm getting enough calories, but I'm sure there have been days where I ate under 1000 calories.  I'm certainly not trying to - but, when you start counting calories, carbs, fat, etc...well, it's easy to shun just about everything.

So, that's what I'm working on now.  Finding a healthy balance.  I've been exercising more than I ever have, and using weights.  So, I have to factor that in to my diet.  And, that's not an easy thing to do.

I refuse to fail.  That's what it comes down to.  When I started all of this, the goal was never to just diet.  Diets rarely work.  This is supposed to be a full overhaul of my daily habits.

So far, I think I'm doing very well.  But, it's hard.  It's so hard.

And, sometimes, I break down.  Like tonight.

This too shall pass.