Back in the saddle again.

I haven't posted lately, because I didn't have much to say.  I've been discouraged, and I needed to just concentrate on getting back to good.

The holidays brought food.  Not crazy food, but enough food that I went back up to 199.  Most of this was salt, I'm sure, as Christmas dinner was a (delicious) salty, Thai spread.  Massaman curry, Pad Thai, Thai egg rolls, egg custard and sticky rice for desert.  There were a few other stops in Food Town along the way.  There was no fast food or cake.  No soda or milk.  But, my body reacted to what I ate, and it depressed me.

So, I just put my head down and charged on.  It was frustrating - I felt bloated and fat again, even though it was only a few pounds difference.  I knew that I couldn't see 200 on the scale again, this soon after such a euphoric loss. 

I'm  back down to my lowest weight (196), so I'm feeling a lot more sane.  I honestly have more to say, as my diet strategy has changed a bit, but that will have to wait for another post.

I'm learning to never give up, and I've always been a big quitter.  I lost weight, I gained weight, and I lost it again.

I refuse to let it take me over again.

Don't take it to the limit (one more time).

A few days ago, I started feeling really weird.  It was late and close to bed time.  I thought I was having a panic attack, but something about it didn't seem like one.  I was very dizzy and confused.  My boyfriend was talking to me, and I kinda passed out.  The same thing happened the next night.  Then, on Wednesday, I felt awful.  The only way to describe it is that it reminded me of how I used to feel when I stayed up all night.  The confusion in my thoughts, a mild headache threatening to bloom into something much worse.  I spent the day in bed, thinking that I was getting sick.  But, I knew it was something more.

My diet has been too strict.  I'm proud of myself for being able to handle such a strict diet, but I haven't been doing it right.

I evaluated what I was eating.  I know that I'm getting enough carbs and I'm careful to get enough calories.  I should probably be eating more fats (definitely should be) and proteins.  I'm hardly eating protein.  I'm betting that a lot of people who switch over to a vegetarian diet wind up getting too little protein, at first.  My brain is all green veggies and fruit! and my body is begging for something else.  I think that's why I was feeling so crappy.  Plus, to make matters worse, I've amped up my exercise, and so my body really, REALLY wants that protein.

I went to the vitamin store last night and picked up some hemp protein to add into my shakes every morning.  Hopefully, this will help things.

I have had a paranoia and fear that if I eat something "bad", my weight will blow back up.  This has kept me from eating much of what I used to eat.  We went out and ate Ethiopian food a few nights ago - delicious, but not the healthiest - and, I didn't see a change on the scale.  I need to let go of some of my fear and start eating a bit more normally.  I didn't start this as a raw, vegetarian diet, but somehow, it kinda wound up there.  I love raw fruits and vegetables, and it's important that I keep enjoying them, but I also need to eat more and more normally.

We went out for a big sushi dinner last night, and it was spectacular.  Sushi is my favorite food.  Death row last meal?  SUSHI.

So, that's where I'm at.  I'm at 197 on the scale today, and I'm happy about that.  We went to the mall yesterday, and I got a bunch of cheap sale clothing at The Gap.  It's been a long, long time since I could fit into anything at The Gap.  So, that was definitely a bright side.

It's sometimes shocking to me that I've been doing this for so long at this point.  I had hoped that I would stick with this, but knowing my own will power limitations...well, I wasn't sure I could.

Gotta be careful with these things, though.  The last thing I want is to wind up in a hospital because my nutritional levels are messed up.

Believe.

My mother got me a bracelet for Christmas.  It's a leather strap with a silver charm that says "Believe".  The very first thing I thought when I opened it is that it is something that I never would have worn before.

Because, I didn't believe.

Now, I believe a lot more than I used to.  It's empowering to believe.

I believe that I can be healthy.
I believe that I can be happy with my body.
I believe that negativity is a quick path to stress and pain.
I believe that doing good for others brings nothing but good to you.
I believe that everything gets better.
I believe that I am not what I have, but who I am.
I believe that I am loved.
I believe that I am worthy of being loved.

I believe all of the same to be true for you.

Get 'em up way high, gimme gimme that high five!

Sometimes, I've so overwhelmed by the changes in myself that I cry.  It's such a shocking cry, coming out of nowhere, forcing itself on me.  Just the feeling of relief I feel when I look at myself in the mirror.  The flood of energy I feel every day that is so foreign to me.  It's a delicious cry, a full cry, a great cry.

I don't sit around crying all of the time.  Don't get me wrong.

I don't have a lot to say, but I wanted to check in with the blog to give a big thumbs up to anyone who might read this.  Realizing the goodness in me makes me realize the goodness in everyone else.

Pass it on today.  Give someone a high five.  Just give them a high five for no reason.  If they look confused, just tell them that they're awesome.

You'll make their whole day.  And, in turn, you'll make your own day.

I promise.

Remember to Breathe.

I had a rough night.

My diet has been very, very strict, and eating anywhere outside of the house is really tricky.  So far, I've only really eaten at a place called Garbanzo - I get hummus and some pickles.  That was a splurge.

So, tonight, when my boyfriend was hungry, nothing worked for me.  We wound up at Chipotle.  It smelled so, so good in there and I was so, so hungry.  But, I couldn't do it.  Too much sodium, too many carbs (empty rice), too much fat.

So, I didn't order anything, and my boyfriend got a burrito to go.  He knew I didn't want to sit in there, in agony.

On the way home, I broke down.  I cried and he saw me, and I just let it all out.

This is HARD for me.

I'm used to seeing something delicious and then eating it.  Hello, fat girl.  I just can't do that anymore.  And, it's ridiculously hard not to eat what looks and smells good.  I have a much easier time eating well when I'm home, and I have raw broccoli and my smoothies.  I'm drinking a smoothie right now.

My boyfriend is concerned, because I'm exercising a lot.  And, he worries that I'm not eating enough.

Sad to say, I can see how easy it is to fall into an eating disorder.  I'm constantly making sure that I'm getting enough calories, but I'm sure there have been days where I ate under 1000 calories.  I'm certainly not trying to - but, when you start counting calories, carbs, fat, etc...well, it's easy to shun just about everything.

So, that's what I'm working on now.  Finding a healthy balance.  I've been exercising more than I ever have, and using weights.  So, I have to factor that in to my diet.  And, that's not an easy thing to do.

I refuse to fail.  That's what it comes down to.  When I started all of this, the goal was never to just diet.  Diets rarely work.  This is supposed to be a full overhaul of my daily habits.

So far, I think I'm doing very well.  But, it's hard.  It's so hard.

And, sometimes, I break down.  Like tonight.

This too shall pass.

No Chocolate Ever Tasted This Good.

This morning, I weighed in at 199.5.

I got off of the scale, then I got on the scale, then I got off of the scale, and back on, once again.

This was the first of my many goals.  I haven't been below 200 in...well, way too long for me to remember.  Many, many years ago.  And, here I am again.

Seeing this number set me off for the day.  I was feeling bright, happy, joyous.  Most of all, I was hit with an incredible surge of energy and renewal.

Weight loss to me has always been something that other people do.  I have long been jealous of women who wake up one day and say, "I'm done." and then work their asses off to be a better them.  Of course, we all know that we could do the very same thing.  I always knew that my body was capable of being thin - my fat wasn't permanent - but, it wasn't going to go away on its own.  But, in the back of my mind, I don't think that I believed it.  I didn't believe that if I just ate right and exercised, I would lose weight.  I don't know why it didn't feel real to me, but I know that's the truth.  Nothing ever motivated me to get off of my ever widening rear end and DO something.

So, now that I've given this a shot, and I'm seeing all of this progress...well, it's like a shot in the arm.  If I exercise, I will lose weight.  Statement of fact.  If I don't eat junk for food, I will feel better, physically and mentally.  Sometimes, it's not until you DO these things and SEE the proof that you'll actually believe it.

I hope that makes sense.

My next goal is 10 pounds, and I'd like to do it in less than a month.  I finally picked up some 5 lb. dumbbells at the store last night, and I just worked my arms out until they were exhausted.  I had fun doing it, too.  I think one of my main issues is that I loathe gyms.  I can't exercise if I don't feel comfortable, and I don't feel comfortable in a room full of what are almost always really, really fit people.  I have social anxiety in a normal situation - but, being a fatty on a treadmill in a room full of strangers, even if they aren't paying attention and couldn't care less...well, it's not comfortable for me.  So, I do my dancing and now I have some weights.  There's a work around for everything.

I've had a few people use the word "inspirational" when it comes to this blog, and it's not possible for me to be any more flattered.  But, like I told one of these people yesterday, I would be far more flattered if something you read in my blog actually made you DO something.  Maybe you exercise today, when you normally wouldn't have.  Maybe you start paying more attention to nutritional labels, lower the amount of sodium you ingest, try to cut out some saturated fats.  Maybe you're not even trying to lose weight and you just work on your outlook.  All of us are negative in some way.  No one is perfect.  But, with conscious effort, you can change that.  Just be conscious of your actions, words and thoughts.  If you're thinking something nasty about someone, stop.  Just stop.  If you're about to get angry at someone for something, just stop.  Find a way to express how you're feeling without cursing, without blaming, without yelling.  Instead of judging, try to understand.  This is something I have to do every day, because I'm coming from such a negative place.  It's in my nature to point out the bad, or to complain.  And, I still do it, I'm not "healed"...but, I do it less.  And, I catch things before I say them, and consider, "Does that need to be said?  Will saying that make any positive difference or offer any help?"  Just thinking this way has stopped me from saying many, many things that would bring nothing positive to anyone.  So, I just don't say it.

This is a rambling post.  I apologize.

Get out there and do something today.

Celebrating the Malleable Reality.

Someone left a comment the other day, on my other (private) blog.  It was about my father and some of the drama that went down and has been bothering me for the past week - and, it knocked me for a loop.

"You are a good, strong person."

I sat and stared at it for a few minutes, not sure what to do with it.  See, this isn't the type of comment I would typically see from someone.  On more than one occasion, I have been told that I am a highly negative human being.  Sometimes this is said by a friend who is truly concerned and sometimes this is said by a friend who is telling me this as they close the door on me.  And, who could blame them? I tend to take a negative view on things.  Glass is half empty, etc.

But, I'm trying very, very hard to be positive.  I am catty, I am overly sarcastic, I am damning.  I can never just sit still for a minute and enjoy everything that there is to enjoy all around me.

So, I've been working on that, and I am seeing the positive benefits.  It's toxic, being that negative.  It takes work.  Now, I'm certainly no saint, and I still have my moments of negativity...I'm trying and it's working.  And, that comment.  I'm a good, strong person?  Me?  You sure you left that comment in the right Livejournal? 

I am flattered by it, and glad.  I don't want to be the nasty person.  There are plenty of nasty people out there - the world won't miss just one.

I want to see the good in people and have them see the good in me.

How about you?


“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours”

A Different View.

I am observing a change in my attitude.  My father's illness has raised up some deep seeded family drama - which I will not get more specific about than that, because it would be tacky - and, the way I've handled it has been wildly different than I would have a month ago.


I've had to swallow my pride to better a situation - even though I wasn't wrong.  I've remained calm and rational in extremely emotional and angry situations.   I have always had problems letting things go.  Problems linger in my head far longer than they should.  "Snap out of it", "Get over it" and "Let it go" don't normally work.

But, when I start to feel like a bad mood is coming on, I stop myself from diving into it with gusto, and work out what's going on in my head, rather than obsess about it all night.  That is not at all like me.

Well, I guess maybe it is now.

An Attempt To Lose A Small Turkey.

I am finally back to the weight I was before Thanksgiving.  I feel good again - slim and balanced.  I realize that even though the mirror doesn't show me drastic results, I feel different.  And, there definitely are results showing - I just have to be patient and strong for the big results.

I'm dealing with a major family issue right now - my dad is very sick with heart failure and I've been really down about that.  I'm in Denver, and he's in Miami, so I feel disconnected.  I'm trying to plan a trip down there as soon as possible, but even that makes me nervous.  I hate flying.  Like, HATE flying.  Of course, I have to do it, but my stomach is in knots.

So, I've been stressed out and upset.  My diet has remained pretty regular, though, with very little cheating.  And, none of the cheating is of the really bad kind.  No faceplanting into a chocolate cake, or anything. :)

I'm making sure that I get at least three heaping teaspoons of Greens a day, and I'm going to up that amount a bit today.

I'm just going to keep on keepin' on and hope for continued success.

No lime in my coconut, but I do drink it all up.

I think that I'm in love with So Delicious Coconut Milk.  I want to marry it.

See, I got both the original/plain formula and the vanilla formula.  I started with the vanilla, because plain versions of alternative milks usually gross me out.  But, I was only kind of meh about it.  It had a weird aftertaste, and I wasn't digging it.  Well, come to find out, the original/plain version is delicious!  It is thinner than cow milk, but it has a very similar taste.  It's extremely creamy.  And, coconuts are a source of all kinds of vitamins and nutrients that make your body happy and healthy.  So, I feel a lot better about nixing the cow milk.  Milk was one of the things that I was really bumming about, because I have to have milk of some kind.  It's yummy.

I've been a little loose with my diet.  I am still doing smoothies and loving it.  I've upped my intake of Vitamineral Greens and I feel the difference.  My thoughts are just clearer and more balanced.  Last night, my boyfriend took me out to Garbanzo, which is a Mediterranean joint.  I had a very healthy plate of hummus, various vegetable salads, pickles, pickled cabbage and pickled eggplant.  I feel like Snooki.

But, I also had falafel, which is fried.  Ugh.  They're made up of such healthy stuff...but, then they're fried.

I refuse to beat myself up over it.  When I started this blog, I didn't realize how much pressure it would put on me.  "What will I write?  I haven't lost any more weight!"

I have to take it easy on myself and realize that I am eating WAY more healthy than I used to, and I'm feeling good.  Weight loss might just have to come slowly.  This was about changing my behaviors to better suit my life.  And, I think I'm doing well with that.