Back in the saddle again.

I haven't posted lately, because I didn't have much to say.  I've been discouraged, and I needed to just concentrate on getting back to good.

The holidays brought food.  Not crazy food, but enough food that I went back up to 199.  Most of this was salt, I'm sure, as Christmas dinner was a (delicious) salty, Thai spread.  Massaman curry, Pad Thai, Thai egg rolls, egg custard and sticky rice for desert.  There were a few other stops in Food Town along the way.  There was no fast food or cake.  No soda or milk.  But, my body reacted to what I ate, and it depressed me.

So, I just put my head down and charged on.  It was frustrating - I felt bloated and fat again, even though it was only a few pounds difference.  I knew that I couldn't see 200 on the scale again, this soon after such a euphoric loss. 

I'm  back down to my lowest weight (196), so I'm feeling a lot more sane.  I honestly have more to say, as my diet strategy has changed a bit, but that will have to wait for another post.

I'm learning to never give up, and I've always been a big quitter.  I lost weight, I gained weight, and I lost it again.

I refuse to let it take me over again.

Don't take it to the limit (one more time).

A few days ago, I started feeling really weird.  It was late and close to bed time.  I thought I was having a panic attack, but something about it didn't seem like one.  I was very dizzy and confused.  My boyfriend was talking to me, and I kinda passed out.  The same thing happened the next night.  Then, on Wednesday, I felt awful.  The only way to describe it is that it reminded me of how I used to feel when I stayed up all night.  The confusion in my thoughts, a mild headache threatening to bloom into something much worse.  I spent the day in bed, thinking that I was getting sick.  But, I knew it was something more.

My diet has been too strict.  I'm proud of myself for being able to handle such a strict diet, but I haven't been doing it right.

I evaluated what I was eating.  I know that I'm getting enough carbs and I'm careful to get enough calories.  I should probably be eating more fats (definitely should be) and proteins.  I'm hardly eating protein.  I'm betting that a lot of people who switch over to a vegetarian diet wind up getting too little protein, at first.  My brain is all green veggies and fruit! and my body is begging for something else.  I think that's why I was feeling so crappy.  Plus, to make matters worse, I've amped up my exercise, and so my body really, REALLY wants that protein.

I went to the vitamin store last night and picked up some hemp protein to add into my shakes every morning.  Hopefully, this will help things.

I have had a paranoia and fear that if I eat something "bad", my weight will blow back up.  This has kept me from eating much of what I used to eat.  We went out and ate Ethiopian food a few nights ago - delicious, but not the healthiest - and, I didn't see a change on the scale.  I need to let go of some of my fear and start eating a bit more normally.  I didn't start this as a raw, vegetarian diet, but somehow, it kinda wound up there.  I love raw fruits and vegetables, and it's important that I keep enjoying them, but I also need to eat more and more normally.

We went out for a big sushi dinner last night, and it was spectacular.  Sushi is my favorite food.  Death row last meal?  SUSHI.

So, that's where I'm at.  I'm at 197 on the scale today, and I'm happy about that.  We went to the mall yesterday, and I got a bunch of cheap sale clothing at The Gap.  It's been a long, long time since I could fit into anything at The Gap.  So, that was definitely a bright side.

It's sometimes shocking to me that I've been doing this for so long at this point.  I had hoped that I would stick with this, but knowing my own will power limitations...well, I wasn't sure I could.

Gotta be careful with these things, though.  The last thing I want is to wind up in a hospital because my nutritional levels are messed up.

Believe.

My mother got me a bracelet for Christmas.  It's a leather strap with a silver charm that says "Believe".  The very first thing I thought when I opened it is that it is something that I never would have worn before.

Because, I didn't believe.

Now, I believe a lot more than I used to.  It's empowering to believe.

I believe that I can be healthy.
I believe that I can be happy with my body.
I believe that negativity is a quick path to stress and pain.
I believe that doing good for others brings nothing but good to you.
I believe that everything gets better.
I believe that I am not what I have, but who I am.
I believe that I am loved.
I believe that I am worthy of being loved.

I believe all of the same to be true for you.

Get 'em up way high, gimme gimme that high five!

Sometimes, I've so overwhelmed by the changes in myself that I cry.  It's such a shocking cry, coming out of nowhere, forcing itself on me.  Just the feeling of relief I feel when I look at myself in the mirror.  The flood of energy I feel every day that is so foreign to me.  It's a delicious cry, a full cry, a great cry.

I don't sit around crying all of the time.  Don't get me wrong.

I don't have a lot to say, but I wanted to check in with the blog to give a big thumbs up to anyone who might read this.  Realizing the goodness in me makes me realize the goodness in everyone else.

Pass it on today.  Give someone a high five.  Just give them a high five for no reason.  If they look confused, just tell them that they're awesome.

You'll make their whole day.  And, in turn, you'll make your own day.

I promise.

Remember to Breathe.

I had a rough night.

My diet has been very, very strict, and eating anywhere outside of the house is really tricky.  So far, I've only really eaten at a place called Garbanzo - I get hummus and some pickles.  That was a splurge.

So, tonight, when my boyfriend was hungry, nothing worked for me.  We wound up at Chipotle.  It smelled so, so good in there and I was so, so hungry.  But, I couldn't do it.  Too much sodium, too many carbs (empty rice), too much fat.

So, I didn't order anything, and my boyfriend got a burrito to go.  He knew I didn't want to sit in there, in agony.

On the way home, I broke down.  I cried and he saw me, and I just let it all out.

This is HARD for me.

I'm used to seeing something delicious and then eating it.  Hello, fat girl.  I just can't do that anymore.  And, it's ridiculously hard not to eat what looks and smells good.  I have a much easier time eating well when I'm home, and I have raw broccoli and my smoothies.  I'm drinking a smoothie right now.

My boyfriend is concerned, because I'm exercising a lot.  And, he worries that I'm not eating enough.

Sad to say, I can see how easy it is to fall into an eating disorder.  I'm constantly making sure that I'm getting enough calories, but I'm sure there have been days where I ate under 1000 calories.  I'm certainly not trying to - but, when you start counting calories, carbs, fat, etc...well, it's easy to shun just about everything.

So, that's what I'm working on now.  Finding a healthy balance.  I've been exercising more than I ever have, and using weights.  So, I have to factor that in to my diet.  And, that's not an easy thing to do.

I refuse to fail.  That's what it comes down to.  When I started all of this, the goal was never to just diet.  Diets rarely work.  This is supposed to be a full overhaul of my daily habits.

So far, I think I'm doing very well.  But, it's hard.  It's so hard.

And, sometimes, I break down.  Like tonight.

This too shall pass.

No Chocolate Ever Tasted This Good.

This morning, I weighed in at 199.5.

I got off of the scale, then I got on the scale, then I got off of the scale, and back on, once again.

This was the first of my many goals.  I haven't been below 200 in...well, way too long for me to remember.  Many, many years ago.  And, here I am again.

Seeing this number set me off for the day.  I was feeling bright, happy, joyous.  Most of all, I was hit with an incredible surge of energy and renewal.

Weight loss to me has always been something that other people do.  I have long been jealous of women who wake up one day and say, "I'm done." and then work their asses off to be a better them.  Of course, we all know that we could do the very same thing.  I always knew that my body was capable of being thin - my fat wasn't permanent - but, it wasn't going to go away on its own.  But, in the back of my mind, I don't think that I believed it.  I didn't believe that if I just ate right and exercised, I would lose weight.  I don't know why it didn't feel real to me, but I know that's the truth.  Nothing ever motivated me to get off of my ever widening rear end and DO something.

So, now that I've given this a shot, and I'm seeing all of this progress...well, it's like a shot in the arm.  If I exercise, I will lose weight.  Statement of fact.  If I don't eat junk for food, I will feel better, physically and mentally.  Sometimes, it's not until you DO these things and SEE the proof that you'll actually believe it.

I hope that makes sense.

My next goal is 10 pounds, and I'd like to do it in less than a month.  I finally picked up some 5 lb. dumbbells at the store last night, and I just worked my arms out until they were exhausted.  I had fun doing it, too.  I think one of my main issues is that I loathe gyms.  I can't exercise if I don't feel comfortable, and I don't feel comfortable in a room full of what are almost always really, really fit people.  I have social anxiety in a normal situation - but, being a fatty on a treadmill in a room full of strangers, even if they aren't paying attention and couldn't care less...well, it's not comfortable for me.  So, I do my dancing and now I have some weights.  There's a work around for everything.

I've had a few people use the word "inspirational" when it comes to this blog, and it's not possible for me to be any more flattered.  But, like I told one of these people yesterday, I would be far more flattered if something you read in my blog actually made you DO something.  Maybe you exercise today, when you normally wouldn't have.  Maybe you start paying more attention to nutritional labels, lower the amount of sodium you ingest, try to cut out some saturated fats.  Maybe you're not even trying to lose weight and you just work on your outlook.  All of us are negative in some way.  No one is perfect.  But, with conscious effort, you can change that.  Just be conscious of your actions, words and thoughts.  If you're thinking something nasty about someone, stop.  Just stop.  If you're about to get angry at someone for something, just stop.  Find a way to express how you're feeling without cursing, without blaming, without yelling.  Instead of judging, try to understand.  This is something I have to do every day, because I'm coming from such a negative place.  It's in my nature to point out the bad, or to complain.  And, I still do it, I'm not "healed"...but, I do it less.  And, I catch things before I say them, and consider, "Does that need to be said?  Will saying that make any positive difference or offer any help?"  Just thinking this way has stopped me from saying many, many things that would bring nothing positive to anyone.  So, I just don't say it.

This is a rambling post.  I apologize.

Get out there and do something today.

Celebrating the Malleable Reality.

Someone left a comment the other day, on my other (private) blog.  It was about my father and some of the drama that went down and has been bothering me for the past week - and, it knocked me for a loop.

"You are a good, strong person."

I sat and stared at it for a few minutes, not sure what to do with it.  See, this isn't the type of comment I would typically see from someone.  On more than one occasion, I have been told that I am a highly negative human being.  Sometimes this is said by a friend who is truly concerned and sometimes this is said by a friend who is telling me this as they close the door on me.  And, who could blame them? I tend to take a negative view on things.  Glass is half empty, etc.

But, I'm trying very, very hard to be positive.  I am catty, I am overly sarcastic, I am damning.  I can never just sit still for a minute and enjoy everything that there is to enjoy all around me.

So, I've been working on that, and I am seeing the positive benefits.  It's toxic, being that negative.  It takes work.  Now, I'm certainly no saint, and I still have my moments of negativity...I'm trying and it's working.  And, that comment.  I'm a good, strong person?  Me?  You sure you left that comment in the right Livejournal? 

I am flattered by it, and glad.  I don't want to be the nasty person.  There are plenty of nasty people out there - the world won't miss just one.

I want to see the good in people and have them see the good in me.

How about you?


“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours”

A Different View.

I am observing a change in my attitude.  My father's illness has raised up some deep seeded family drama - which I will not get more specific about than that, because it would be tacky - and, the way I've handled it has been wildly different than I would have a month ago.


I've had to swallow my pride to better a situation - even though I wasn't wrong.  I've remained calm and rational in extremely emotional and angry situations.   I have always had problems letting things go.  Problems linger in my head far longer than they should.  "Snap out of it", "Get over it" and "Let it go" don't normally work.

But, when I start to feel like a bad mood is coming on, I stop myself from diving into it with gusto, and work out what's going on in my head, rather than obsess about it all night.  That is not at all like me.

Well, I guess maybe it is now.

An Attempt To Lose A Small Turkey.

I am finally back to the weight I was before Thanksgiving.  I feel good again - slim and balanced.  I realize that even though the mirror doesn't show me drastic results, I feel different.  And, there definitely are results showing - I just have to be patient and strong for the big results.

I'm dealing with a major family issue right now - my dad is very sick with heart failure and I've been really down about that.  I'm in Denver, and he's in Miami, so I feel disconnected.  I'm trying to plan a trip down there as soon as possible, but even that makes me nervous.  I hate flying.  Like, HATE flying.  Of course, I have to do it, but my stomach is in knots.

So, I've been stressed out and upset.  My diet has remained pretty regular, though, with very little cheating.  And, none of the cheating is of the really bad kind.  No faceplanting into a chocolate cake, or anything. :)

I'm making sure that I get at least three heaping teaspoons of Greens a day, and I'm going to up that amount a bit today.

I'm just going to keep on keepin' on and hope for continued success.

No lime in my coconut, but I do drink it all up.

I think that I'm in love with So Delicious Coconut Milk.  I want to marry it.

See, I got both the original/plain formula and the vanilla formula.  I started with the vanilla, because plain versions of alternative milks usually gross me out.  But, I was only kind of meh about it.  It had a weird aftertaste, and I wasn't digging it.  Well, come to find out, the original/plain version is delicious!  It is thinner than cow milk, but it has a very similar taste.  It's extremely creamy.  And, coconuts are a source of all kinds of vitamins and nutrients that make your body happy and healthy.  So, I feel a lot better about nixing the cow milk.  Milk was one of the things that I was really bumming about, because I have to have milk of some kind.  It's yummy.

I've been a little loose with my diet.  I am still doing smoothies and loving it.  I've upped my intake of Vitamineral Greens and I feel the difference.  My thoughts are just clearer and more balanced.  Last night, my boyfriend took me out to Garbanzo, which is a Mediterranean joint.  I had a very healthy plate of hummus, various vegetable salads, pickles, pickled cabbage and pickled eggplant.  I feel like Snooki.

But, I also had falafel, which is fried.  Ugh.  They're made up of such healthy stuff...but, then they're fried.

I refuse to beat myself up over it.  When I started this blog, I didn't realize how much pressure it would put on me.  "What will I write?  I haven't lost any more weight!"

I have to take it easy on myself and realize that I am eating WAY more healthy than I used to, and I'm feeling good.  Weight loss might just have to come slowly.  This was about changing my behaviors to better suit my life.  And, I think I'm doing well with that.

Who are you? Who who? Who who?

I guess I haven't really said much of anything about myself here.  I know that everyone reading is probably a friend of mine, and already know the basics, but on the off chance a stranger happens upon my blog, here's some info.

I'm Ali.  I'm soon to be 34 years old.  My high weight was 235ish and my current weight is hovering right around 203.5.  Stupid Thanksgiving.  I live with my boyfriend of almost a decade and our four cats.  Yes, four, don't judge.  I am a Psychology student, and I plan to focus my study on GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender) issues.  I am a recent transplant to Denver via Miami, where I was born and raised.  I'm kind of in love with this state, so far.  I don't much care for the heat, but I adore the cold.  It should now go without saying that I am a weird gal.

My weight was pretty decent all through childhood and high school.  I was very active through those years.  I thought that I was a blimp in high school, but when I look back at pictures from that time, I'm jealous of that blimp-like figure.  I wasn't fat at all.  Kids can be so mean.

About 12 years ago, I started to gain weight.  I started drinking lots of wine and eating lots of crap.  I did this very thing for the next 12 years.

Cut to now.  Drinking went the way of the dinosaur about six months ago.  I tried having a drink a few weeks ago, and all it did was give me a headache three sips in.  So, without alcohol, I was free to actually attempt dieting.  Jason Mraz was actually the first person to make me think about drastically changing the way I ate.  I truly hope you know who Jason Mraz is, but in case you don't, he's an amazing singer/songwriter/inspirationalist that I think everyone should be celebrating.  Seriously, he's the bees knees.  He has a blog, and he posts a lot about positivity - both mental, and physical.  I admit to skimming some of these early posts, as I was a negative person, and negative people reject positivity.  But, eventually, I started to read them.  He started eating extremely healthily and practicing yoga.  His whole outlook changed.  He began living for positivity and health.  His girlfriend, Tristan Prettyman (she's an amazing singer/songwriter/inspirationalist that I think everyone should be celebrating), shares the same beliefs in food, life and positivity, and her Twitter makes me happy on a daily basis.  For the record, I hate Twitter.  Her Twitter, however, has been bookmarked and is looked at every morning alongside CNN and Facebook.  Between the two of them, they inspired me. 

I also have a friend - Rachael - who has been dieting raw and loves it.  I saw the transformation in her online posts - lots of positivity and happiness, lots of fun hiking and outdoor activities - and, I wanted in.

So, I started the diet and I started this blog.

If you're reading...thanks for stopping by and have a fantastically, deliciously, powerfully amazing day.

Superfood.

I thought I'd share what my smoothie looks like before it's a smoothie.  I tend to just grab any and all veggies and fruits I have around, and throw them in.  I can't seem to get the skin on grapes blended down to nothing, so I eat those as snacks and they're rarely included in my smoothies.

I always include the banana, as it does a great job of masking any sour flavors.  But, honestly, when everything is blended up, you really don't taste any one thing (aside from banana, of course).  Somehow, my smoothies come out tasting a lot like cinnamon, and I'm really not quite sure why.  Might be the Acai?  I don't know what flavors are combining to form cinnamon, but I'm not complaining.

I also like to make a big batch of smoothie and keep a whole smoothie covered, waiting in the fridge.  I'm lazy, and I know that I tend to wait until I am extremely hungry to make a smoothie (a bad habit I have to work on), so I like to have one in reserve.

I do want to mention something that most people are grossed out by, but I won't be too graphic about it...

Poop.  I SAID POOP!  Without getting too graphic (too late?), the most obvious benefits to this diet, so far, is that my digestive system is very happy with me.  The Vitamineral Greens label warns that if you use too much of it, too quickly, you can experience some bowel issues.  Greens work as a disgestive cleanse - especially when you first start out - and, I guess some people have had some issues.  I have not.  When you start drinking smoothies like this, the body doesn't have to work very hard at all to digest them.  And, since the entire smoothie is one big vitamin, your body actually absorbs and makes use of every single thing you're ingesting, hence all of the energy.

I posted a picture of my smoothie yesterday to Facebook, and all of the responses were basically, "EWWW!"  And, I get that.  That would have been my comment a year ago.  We've been trained to see green and make a face.  Yummy food isn't green!  In current American society, "yummy" food is usually brown.  How boring is that?

Death to brown foods, and viva la smoothie!

Don't knock it 'til you've tried it!

When I started this diet, I said that I would stop eating all processed food.  And, I am cutting out 99% of the processed foods I am used to eating.  But, there are a few things I am letting slip through the cracks.

One of these exceptions is So Delicious Coconut Milk.  I love milk.  I don't want to drink or eat cow products, so regular milk is out.  It's not all that good for you, anyway.  Coconut milk, however, is excellent for you.  OK, let me be straight, it tastes funny.  Because, my brain sees milk and tells my tongue that it should expect to be tasting cow milk any second.  And, then my mouth fills with something completely different and my brain curses me.  But, I'll get used to it.  It's not awful, just different.  I haven't used it in my smoothies yet, but I plan to.

Also being let through is Annie's Goddess Dressing.  Annie's proudly announces right on the label that they don't use anything artificial, and a quick check of the ingredients backs that up.  So, I got some to use a tiny bit of on my spinach.

I also got some canned tuna in water.

Keep in mind that I am so neurotic that the inclusion of these items in my supermarket basket caused me much stress.  I felt that I was going soft, easing up on the strict rules that I had set for myself.  I had 1/2 cup of Kashi granola last night, and I wanted to end myself.  How dare I?  The carbs!  The sugar!  Of course, Kashi is an excellent, healthy company and this granola was something TOO healthy for my old way of life.  What was going on here?  Why the guilt?

It's true what they say - don't make your diet miserable.  If chocolate is your big craving, and you simply don't allow yourself a single taste of chocolate in your diet, not ever...well, you'll be face down in a pile of chocolate in no time.  Full elimination isn't necessary.  There are obviously some people who have the ability to never be tempted by their favorite foods...these people are superhuman and should not be looked upon as the norm.  We normal people need a little piece of chocolate once in a while, or we'll go insane.

Oh, how I am enjoying my green smoothies, though.  Look how green they are!

That's what I'm currently drinking, and it's delicious.  The Greens make the smoothies look like pond sludge, honestly, but the flavor is excellent.  It's amazing how many vegetables you can cram into one of these things without even tasting it.  This has loads of spinach and broccoli in it, but all I taste is the pineapple, banana, and pear that I also added.  I loaded up on the Vitamineral Greens, but don't taste that, either.  It's really delicious and I feel wonderful drinking it.

As for my weight, I bounced back up a few pounds after Thanksgiving and the ensuing slippage I incurred over the weekend.  At no point did I fully fall off of the wagon, but I was kinda hanging off of it.  The desire for chips!  For ice cream!  For meat.  Dear lord, for meat.  Anything but fruit and vegetables.  When I start feeling these things, I immediately cram grapes into my mouth, or drink some coconut milk.  It'll be easier when I clean all of the crap food out of the house.  It's hard, having all of these bad temptations within arms' reach.

The weekend after next, I'm going snowboarding.  I had a hard time finding snowboarding pants, because they usually don't make really big snowboarding pants.  Not a whole lot of fatso snowboarders out on the mountain.  This weekend, I went back to Sports Authority and exchanged my crazy big clown pants for a much less clowny smaller size.

That was a great feeling.

But, no more backtracking and slipping.  I'm back on the wagon and I'm STAYING HERE.

Stupid wagon.

I'm only human, after all.

The past few days have been tough on me (and, the diet).  Thanksgiving was fantastic, and my boyfriend and I shared it with good friends.  I didn't feel particularly guilty, eating Thanksgiving food on Thanksgiving.  I did, however, feel guilty about eating Thanksgiving food the day after Thanksgiving.  Ugh.

And, last night, I broke down and ate some tortilla chips.  I know that sounds ridiculous.  "Oh, no!  Tortilla chips!"  But, it disappoints me.

I'm back on track, though.  I've been making smoothies for a few days now, and it's great.  I got a ton of fruit and veggies at Costco, which is really the way to go.  So cheap!

My first smoothie was a mishmash of random good stuff.  What went into it?

Spinach
Carrots
Broccoli
Banana
Pineapple
Greens

That might not sound too great, but let me tell you, it was really very good.  I find that when I use banana, the weird stuff is well masked.  I could only barely taste the broccoli (the one veggie I wasn't sure would mix well) and what I did taste of it didn't clash.  When I told my boyfriend about the smoothie, he said, "What, you didn't use any of the green beans?"

Next time, I will.  Might as well get as much into that glass as I can.

My energy level is way up.  I couldn't run a marathon tomorrow, but I certainly have more energy than I did a few days ago.  I find myself getting angry less often - my brain just stops for a split second and warns me not to flip out.  That doesn't mean that I have a perfectly even keel - but, it's a lot better.

I should talk about my exercising.  I am a person who hates the gym.  Not just because exercise is hard work, but because I don't like working out with a bunch of people.  I feel silly when I exercise, and the only way exercise works for me is if I'm able to be silly without worrying about it.  So, I don't go to the gym.  I stay home, and I dance.  I load my little Shuffle up with all of the songs I love, and I dance.  It sounds ridiculous, I know, but it's fantastic exercise.  No type of dance, in particular, I just move however my body wants to move.  And, unlike working out at the gym, an hour of dancing goes by before I know it.  I actually went down to the gym here at my apartment complex the other night.  I walked on the treadmill, bored, watching the clock.  I wound up leaving after a mile on the treadmill, because the room was terribly hot and there wasn't a thermostat in sight.  I came home and danced for an hour.  Dancing was a much, much more intensive workout.  Added bonus?  I controlled the temperature!

So, I prefer to create my own ways to burn calories.  I do need to incorporate some weight training into my workout, though.

All in all, I feel better.  I am happier and less stressed. 

And, that's what this is all about!

It's easy being Green.

I've been waiting anxiously today for the arrival of my smoothie blender and Vitamineral Greens.  As soon as they arrived, I tore open the box like an excited child on Christmas morning.  I washed the blender and set in to make myself my first Green smoothie.

I apparently only have apples.  I have oranges, but I've read that citrus can clash with the Greens.  So, I just made an apple smoothie. 

1 1/2 Granny Smith Apples

1 heaping Tablespoon of ground Flax

1 tsp Vitamineral Greens

about 1/2 cup of apple juice (organic, 100% juice)

a few handfuls of ice

It's alright.  I'm not going to lie and say that it's wonderful and I've never tasted something so great.  It's really pretty decent, though, and the problems I have with my smoothie have nothing to do with the taste - it's the texture.  I don't think the flax broke down in the blender, so it's kinda gritty in there.  I know it's the flax, for sure.  Plus, I think I still have a few remnants of apple skins, so maybe I need to blend it longer next time.  As far as the Greens, I don't taste them.  I've heard the taste described as what it's like to lick the bottom of a dirty fish bowl.  While I'm fairly certain that eating it on it's own does taste that horrific, it doesn't taste like much of anything at all in my smoothie.

I will say this.  I was starving before I made the smoothie, because I didn't have anything really great to eat before it got here.  So, I was really, really hungry and this thing has almost filled me up and I'm not even halfway through with it.  I don't think that I'll have any problem replacing lunch and breakfast with one of these, especially after I get some more fruits and veggies to experiment with.

Also, on the weight end of things, I am down to 202.5, as of this morning.  I didn't expect to have lost weight after Thanksgiving (and, the caloric splurge), but I guess it's good to have Thanksgiving with friends who don't try to make every dish a lesson in heart attacks.  Most of what I ate yesterday was delicious, but not terribly unhealthy.  There wasn't a pound of butter and cream in the potatoes, the sweet potatoes weren't covered with sugar and marshmallows.  There was dessert, but let's not talk about that.

I'm feeling good, I know that I'm showing the weight that I'm losing, and my confidence is higher.  Every once in a while, I'll imagine my body in excellent shape - well muscled, lean, powerful...and, it makes me grin from ear to ear.  It's nice to be excited about something that isn't left to chance.

I CAN be stronger.

I CAN be healthy.

I CAN be positive.

I can be happy. :)

Would you shut up already?

Today, my boyfriend let me know that he couldn't listen to constant diet talk.  He said this just as I was exuberantly describing how much looser a pair of my "too tight" pants were.  At first, I was taken aback.  How rude.  I stomped off, pouting.  But, then I thought about it.  I had been barking diet talk into this poor man's ear for days.  Even before I started the diet.

I can't stand people like that.  I love passionate people and I love people who have information that can benefit me and want to tell me all about it.  But, there's a line.  There has to be a balance. 

And, so I got it.  It sunk in.  I've since been making a conscious effort to tone down the diet talk and throw in a few other topics, so that I don't burn the boy out.  He's heard me be this enthusiastic before, and those times didn't amount to much. I know how amazed he'll be when he realizes that this isn't a phase for me, and that I am going to do everything in my power to change my life.

It's hard not to talk about it, or to concentrate on something else.  It's why I created this blog.  I didn't want to inundate my Facebook friends with diet talk every day, and I didn't want to mix it in with all of my Livejournal business.  I thought that it deserved its own forum, even if it really just amounted to a few good friends and family checking it once in a while.

I don't care about the size of the audience I receive, I'm just glad to have an outlet.

Those of you who are reading this, though.  Thank you :)  I hope you can take something from it.

StressFood.

I am guilty of being a stress eater.  Well, and an every-other-time eater.  But, I think it's common for people to grab at food when they're stressed, often without even thinking about it.  I guess that's one of the things I'm trying to do more of now:  Think about my food.  Am I really hungry?  Do I need to eat this or would the much healthier that be just as good?  Why am I really eating this?

Today, my dad had major surgery and I'm waiting to hear how everything went.  I know that he's fine, but I'm worried.  He's my Dad.

So, I wound up in the kitchen, about to get all grabby with the fridge.  It was the first time in the past few days that I wasn't thinking about the food.  I was hungry, I was upset, and I was going to eat.  I don't know what I was going to eat, but you can bet I wasn't craving carrots.  Luckily, I caught myself before any damage was done, and took a second to think about what I was doing.  I was hungry, that much was true.  But, I didn't need to eat crap to make myself feel better.

When we're young, I think that a lot of us give fruits and vegetables a certain reputation.  For me, they were the parts of meals that I had to eat.   And, I think that as an adult, no one's there to make sure we get the foods we need, so we drop the food we don't care for.  Mom wouldn't have let you have McDonald's every day.

And, what's the most surprising is how absolutely delicious good food is.  Raw almonds have really been kicking my ass lately, because I am addicted to their flavor.  I have a bag of them next to my laptop at all times, as an immediate craving ender.  I take tiny little bites out of each one, making it last.  And, they're delicious.  They're fantastic.  They're made all the more wonderful by the lack of guilt that follows a big handful of them.

This now sounds like a commercial for almonds.  Go get you some almonds!

So, back to the kitchen and the stress.  I stood there looking at so many bad foods.   They offered sugar and complex carbohydrates and crazy sodium and huge amounts of fat and shocking caloric loads.  They did not offer energy.  They didn't offer mental clarity.  They didn't offer metabolic stability or digestive strength.  They just offered a few minutes of pleasure.  And, I can't allow myself to choose a few minutes of pleasure over my health anymore.

I'm sure that my dad will be fine, and that a white bread ham and swiss sandwich with loads of mayo won't make him feel any better or get me news any faster.

In fact...it's sandwiches like that that made it necessary for my father to have surgery today and almost die from a heart attack a few years ago.

So, I chose an apple, a handful of almonds, and a few baby carrots.  It sounds so radical, but is it?  And, I'm going to eat them slowly, and enjoy the flavors.  I'm not going to condemn my sweet baby carrots to a thick coating of ranch dressing.  I will enjoy each and every flavor and be thankful that my food is loving me, instead of hating me.

Cheating.

Last night I ordered a good blender and some Vitamineral Greens from Amazon and should get them the day after Thanksgiving.  Which is good, since Thanksgiving does not count.  Even so, I've cut processed foods out already.  Except for...

Coke Zero.  I'm still drinking them.  Which is cheating.  I will immediately stop drinking them when they run out/when the blender and greens get here.  I rely on caffeine right now, but I'll replace the morning coffee/Coke Zero with a green smoothie.  I assume that there will be a speedbump at that point, since I've been drinking a lot of caffeine, rather often.  I'm not beating myself up over it.  I'll take whatever caffeine detox comes my way.  I know that caffeine is definitely affecting my entire days, and I'm ready to see that change.

I'm only doing official weigh-ins once a week, but being new at this, and excited about it, I weighed myself this morning and got 204.5.  Don't know why, exactly, but okay!

My mood, overall, has been outstanding.  I'm certainly not running around, full of energy yet...but, it's coming.  And, I've had a little taste of it at this point.

Why didn't I do this sooner?

Could it be the food?

For the longest time, I've been down.  Run down.  Down thoughts.  Down actions.  Just negative in every way.  I'm highly stressed, even though I don't have a particularly stressful life.  I snap easily, and I have a bad temper.  I always feel tired, and though I actually have the desire to exercise and get fit, I don't have the energy.  I get dizzy a lot, and I often have minor headaches.  I have stomach problems (I have long suspected an ulcer), and digestion tends to make me nauseous.  I have heart palpitations and I would not be surprised if I either have diabetes or I'm pre-diabetic.

I've dug myself into a huge rut, and I need to get out before I have a nervous breakdown, lose friends, wind up in the hospital or just plain have a heart attack or stroke and die.

My father had a major heart attack, and he is overweight.  I think that his heart attack was what first got me really good and scared about the way my life was going.

But, it's not just the physical.  I'm a negative person, and I don't like it.  I'm sure my boyfriend doesn't like it.  Who would?  And, it's not my nature.  I'm a relatively funny person - outgoing, despite social anxiety.  Yet, my mind constantly invents and then recycles negative thoughts.  I'm fighting myself, here.

This blog isn't just about vegetables and superfood.  It's about trying to become a better person for myself, and for the people in my life.

Weight Post.

As of today, I weigh 205.5 lbs.  That's something I've always kept pretty secret.

We'll see what next week brings.

Today, I made a big pot of quinoa mixed with loads of cilantro, a little sea salt, some black pepper, a bit of olive oil and several heaping scoops of ground flax.  It's edible, but not the most delicious thing.  That's not the food's fault - it's mine.  I'm going to have to scour the internet for good recipes.  I still need to get a blender and some Vitamineral Greens.  I've got some fruit in the house, so I should be able to pull it off until I get the appropriate supplies.  Even after just this first day of not putting anything bad into my body, I feel more energy.

What am I doing here?

A while back, I realized that I was not well.  Not well physically, and not well mentally.  I had to take a good, hard look at my life and try to figure out where I was going wrong.

I came up with many things that I needed to change, but the most pressing and important of them was food.  Food is so very important and it is so taken advantage of.  I love food, but I certainly haven't been picking the best of it to eat.  The food I put into my body is processed and wrecked with chemicals.  Nothing is fresh, nothing is healthy.

I lack energy.  I lack focus.

I never really feel very well.

So, are we really what we eat?  I truly think we are.

So, I'm going to do something nice for myself.  I'm going to cut out processed foods.  I'm going to introduce green superfood into my diet and replace breakfast and lunch with a nutrient rich, green smoothie.  I'm going to harness the extra energy this awesome foodstuff gifts me with, and I'm going to exercise.

For so many years, I have whined, "I want to be fit.  I want to be thin.  I want to wear smaller clothing.  I want to stop feeling like a big, fat, lazy slob."

All the whining, and no doing.  I don't know if I thought that a magic genie was going to pop out of my living room lamp and grant me the wish of hotness?

So, that's what this blog is about.  Me doing.

I'll post my weight updates here, as well as how my body reacts (freaks out) on this new diet. 

Here's to hoping.